This is the least funniest place on earth. What the hell happened to Kimmel? He used to be funny(Man Show) according to some of you. You can't see it on this photo but etched into the building facade are the immortal words: "Masonry builds its temples among the nations and in the hearts of men". Sadly, it is now a temple of toilet humor and misogyny and home to one of the least funniest late night hosts in history, next to Carson "The ghastly doughboy" Daly. But, I think my aggression towards these bastions of Hollyweird are due to my disappointment. I was hoping 4 junkies and whores begging to be put out of their misery at every corner. It didn't happen. No vomit was involved in the writing of this post. I expected action; hot, bi-sexual, pierced up, speed ball fueled action and instead I got a neutered old goat that once had the mandibles of a California saber tooth. The dildos , tattoo parlors and bong vendors are there, but they remind one of the zit-faced teens in animal costumes at a theme park; a wandering child, wrapped in a copy of an illusion. Young, two-toned punk chicks in skin tight jeans, sport "Dead Kennedy" shirts and stare vapidly at their sandal wearing, sk8tr boy, fuck buddies. Tourists from Idaho avoid eye contact with the homeless, who incidentally are extremely docile here. Not at all like Chicago or other cold, hard cities, where the difference between a Popov poisoning and the shakes is tailing a mark for a city block. I suppose that there is a price to pay for living in a place with comfortable, year-round, weather and people with a tolerance for pitching a tent made of a tarp and two shopping carts in the middle of a sidewalk. The unspoken rule that the homeless must follow here, is to keep to themselves and stay away from the beautiful people. Depending on how far one walks down Hollywood Blvd., the allure of Thai massage parlors at once becomes overwhelming. My advice is to stay away from the ones with dark windows and void of any English writing on the outside, unless you must absolutely have your genitals fondled by a six fingered (all of them on one hand) octogenarian. Oh and about the footprints: Christopher Walken is one of the greatest American actors ever; period! And I shall take no lip from anyone concerning his status as one of the greats. So, why the hell are his precious little tootsy prints at rest next to that Philistine's, the so-called "Duke's". John Wayne was not that good of an actor. If not for his role in "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance", "True Grit" and "The Quiet Man", I would have defaced his star on the walk with a giant turd from my own ass. Face it the guy made a lot of movies but he was no Pacino. He appeals to the ugly American in us all and that will be his true legacy.
NEXT WEEK: SUNSET BOULEVARD, THE SWEARING GUY AND THE SWEET SMELL OF HOPELESSNESS.