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Monday, June 23, 2008

Pussy Farts!!

This was supposed to be a happy post cuz it's my 101st but then George Carlin up and dies. He really was my hero. I used to watch him from when I was a kid and got to see him live for the first time last year. It was a weird thing to see someone who had been as self destructive as he was, bring so much happiness to people. I felt a prophetic urge to see him because i figured that it was only a matter of time before we lost him and now I don't feel so bad about blowing the $80 to have seen him. He was a God among maggots and hacks who weren't fit to call themselves comedians. Even Kinison, as amazing and talented as he was, still was no George Carlin.
So, goodnight funny man and thanks for making it possible for idiots like me to be free to write Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits, to our hearts content.

Friday, June 20, 2008

The Begining of the End

"President Bush said Friday that the bill "will help our intelligence professionals learn our enemies' plans for new attacks."" - From CNN 6-20-08

"Wherever he may be, asleep or awake, working or resting, in his bath or in his bed, he can be inspected without warning and without knowing that he is being inspected." - Orwell "1984"

Here's my advice to you faithful reader, cash in all of your chips. Sell your house and car, family pets, bongs and toilet seat collection. Take everything you can carry and GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY NOW!!! Either that or run out and buy yourself an AK-47 or Benelli 12 gauge pump. The house has just approved and the senate will shortly approve a bill that the grandson of a Nazi sympathizer desperately wants to sign in to law. This law will forever change the way we Americans communicate. You were not paying attention this week and they slipped this one right past you. This FISA update bill opens the door to all kinds of new legislation concerning our rights to privacy. Secret courts will determine your freedom from government snooping. The good news is that if enough people wake up to how shitty all of this is, we can reverse it in 2012 (fat chance). Until then, watch what you say on the phone when making domestic calls and you know that bomb throwing cousin of yours in Iran? Tell him to start sending you smoke signals because your rights to privacy are now worse than his.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Y'know it's Hard Out Here For a Pimp

Have you seen this "Keeping up with the Kardashians"?? It crosses the line. Really, it's got to be about the most vile display of how low networks have sunk in an attempt to get ratings. I'm no prude by any stretch of the imagination. I am all for public decapitations, porno and even allowing Ann Coulter to show her disgusting, horsey, face on FOX now and again; but this show has got to be the most disturbing thing I have ever seen. First off, Robert Kardashian, you might remember, was OJ's lawyer and the guy that was suspected of having stashed the evidence from Nicole's murder. He died a couple years ago and the pig you see in the photo here is his former wife. She remarried, of all fucking people, Bruce Jenner; yeah, the breakfast champion that kids like me grew up worshiping for his ability to run like the wind and bring home the gold. What a let down that guy. First he chops off his face, now this.
It turns out the mom, Kris (piggy in the photo), is handling her daughter's business affairs and taking 10%; i speculate, that it includes whatever E! is giving them for their crappy reality show. Among the fascinating tidbits i saw, in the two episodes I braved, were this woman selling copies of a calendar that her daughter gave to her boyfriend, of herself, as a personal gift (without her knowledge or a cut of the action) and watching her convince her daughter to show her tits in Playboy while trying to jack "The Heff" for the "collector's item" soap in the mansion. As if there is enough soap in the world to wash off the egg she has on her face.
Really, I'm pretty tolerant of all kinds of disturbing behavior. I especially love it when the un-religious right gets a healthy dose of their own hypocrisy. There is nothing I can't stand more than a moralist... except maybe a relativist. E! and executive producer Ryan "Stuck in the Closet" Seacrest have given the world another example of why the filthy rich should be stripped of everything they own and sterilized without anesthesia. What good is all the money in the world when this is all you can contribute to our society? Aren't parents supposed to look out for their kids not pimp them out and rip them off? This piece of shit show normalizes the type of behavior normally only seen in wild animal shows or Greek mythology.
Yeah, I know just flip the channel. i got a better idea. I will start my own show where every week I, as your host, find the most horrible and wretched people i can think of. We kidnap them, bring them into the studio and in front of a live audience make them watch those starving African kids bloat up from hunger and die. We'll force them to watch polar bears drown as the ice caps melt. We'll have police come in and beat them senseless and frame them for crimes they didn't commit. We'll force them to eat Ramen noodles and ketchup sandwiches off of a cockroach infested kitchen floor. And at the end of the show, we take them and drop them off in the middle of a third world slum without money, passport or a way to get home. In other words, we'll give them a reason to act like human, fucking, beings again. Now that, is must fucking see TV!

Sunday, June 01, 2008

2008 Douche Bag Awards

The worse thing about 20 somethings these days is not that they are the most coddled, most self-entitled, know it all (but really know nothing), most spoiled miserable bunch of alienated mother fuckers ever. Instead, it is there uncanny ability to fool themselves into believing that the media they consume is new and original. Case in point this years pathetic display of ass-kissery and retarded behavior known as the MTV Movie Awards. If there is any proof that god holds mankind in contempt for it's frivolous nature MTV is it and the Movie Awards is the smoking gun evidence that he has abandoned us because of it. Besides having some of the most unfunny dialogue between presenters EVER, it had some of the most unfunny monologues EVER! Mike Meyers was a train wreck. Speaking of train wrecks; Will Smith humbling himself before the audience for being given what he must know is a meaningless award with his kid standing next to him rolling his eyes and tapping his fingers on the podium was sad. Poor Will Smith; first Bagger Vance now he's stuck raising a rotten kid. I was hoping that when he, Jason Bateman and Charlize Theron went on stage to give Ellen page an award an orgy would break out. Unfortunately, no one at MTV has my kind of foresight and good taste. It would have been nice to see Steve Carell, The Rock and Anne Hathaway do a human Chinese finger cuff at the very least.
Seriously, how the fuck can you make Will Farrell and Steve Carell unfunny? MTV did it! They have to have hired their writers from "unfunny fucks R us". Christ, those guys suck! They should have their reproductive organs removed with "gorilla glue" and an ice cream scooper, in order to ensure that they do not pollute the world with any more humorless douchey people. Off with their hands!
Coldplay... Jesus, how uninspiring can a rock performance get? I can't believe that guy gets to bone Gwyneth.
Speaking of shitty performances, will someone please have the "Pussycat Dolls" drawn and quartered?
The saddest moment of the night was watching Adam Sandler sing a song parody of "Nobody Does it Better" about himself. The "Sandman" put me to sleep. How the mighty have fallen.
Even the Wayne's World Reunion sucked. It was not party time and it was not excellent.
It was a star studded evening even though I'm not sure who most of the stars were? Rihanna, who was that chick sitting next to Chris Brown, looked like a pain in the ass and it didn't take much to be able to read her lips. Sorry honey, but your boyfriend is no Usher. Nothing says "classy" like Paris Hilton sitting with some homeless parolee. Speaking of stars who are not really stars (at least no one can tell me what makes them stars), I'm not sure who is more disturbed looking, Verne Troyer or Rumor Willis.
The only funny moment was Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr. and Ben Stiller making the viral video for the up coming "Tropic Thunder". I wasn't sure about going to see that movie, the thought of an actor performing in black face (Downey Jr.) is repulsive to me, but i genuinely feel like seeing it now based solely on that video.
Finally, big ups to the big winners of the evening:
"Step it Up 2: The Streets"
"Never Back Down"
"Zac Efron"
You are undeniable proof that the MTV Movie awards is the best place for the lowest and crappiest garbage out there to gain notoriety and tons of free advertising.
Stay Retarded you "Millenial" numb nuts.

Will Write for Food:

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