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Sunday, June 01, 2008

2008 Douche Bag Awards

The worse thing about 20 somethings these days is not that they are the most coddled, most self-entitled, know it all (but really know nothing), most spoiled miserable bunch of alienated mother fuckers ever. Instead, it is there uncanny ability to fool themselves into believing that the media they consume is new and original. Case in point this years pathetic display of ass-kissery and retarded behavior known as the MTV Movie Awards. If there is any proof that god holds mankind in contempt for it's frivolous nature MTV is it and the Movie Awards is the smoking gun evidence that he has abandoned us because of it. Besides having some of the most unfunny dialogue between presenters EVER, it had some of the most unfunny monologues EVER! Mike Meyers was a train wreck. Speaking of train wrecks; Will Smith humbling himself before the audience for being given what he must know is a meaningless award with his kid standing next to him rolling his eyes and tapping his fingers on the podium was sad. Poor Will Smith; first Bagger Vance now he's stuck raising a rotten kid. I was hoping that when he, Jason Bateman and Charlize Theron went on stage to give Ellen page an award an orgy would break out. Unfortunately, no one at MTV has my kind of foresight and good taste. It would have been nice to see Steve Carell, The Rock and Anne Hathaway do a human Chinese finger cuff at the very least.
Seriously, how the fuck can you make Will Farrell and Steve Carell unfunny? MTV did it! They have to have hired their writers from "unfunny fucks R us". Christ, those guys suck! They should have their reproductive organs removed with "gorilla glue" and an ice cream scooper, in order to ensure that they do not pollute the world with any more humorless douchey people. Off with their hands!
Coldplay... Jesus, how uninspiring can a rock performance get? I can't believe that guy gets to bone Gwyneth.
Speaking of shitty performances, will someone please have the "Pussycat Dolls" drawn and quartered?
The saddest moment of the night was watching Adam Sandler sing a song parody of "Nobody Does it Better" about himself. The "Sandman" put me to sleep. How the mighty have fallen.
Even the Wayne's World Reunion sucked. It was not party time and it was not excellent.
It was a star studded evening even though I'm not sure who most of the stars were? Rihanna, who was that chick sitting next to Chris Brown, looked like a pain in the ass and it didn't take much to be able to read her lips. Sorry honey, but your boyfriend is no Usher. Nothing says "classy" like Paris Hilton sitting with some homeless parolee. Speaking of stars who are not really stars (at least no one can tell me what makes them stars), I'm not sure who is more disturbed looking, Verne Troyer or Rumor Willis.
The only funny moment was Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr. and Ben Stiller making the viral video for the up coming "Tropic Thunder". I wasn't sure about going to see that movie, the thought of an actor performing in black face (Downey Jr.) is repulsive to me, but i genuinely feel like seeing it now based solely on that video.
Finally, big ups to the big winners of the evening:
"Step it Up 2: The Streets"
"Never Back Down"
"Zac Efron"
You are undeniable proof that the MTV Movie awards is the best place for the lowest and crappiest garbage out there to gain notoriety and tons of free advertising.
Stay Retarded you "Millenial" numb nuts.

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