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Sunday, December 28, 2008

Please Make Him Stop!!!

I thought I was going to give the blog a break this week, but then I saw this little beauty.
Ok, let me just say this I understand the need to secure "fuck you" money. The fact is that it's only natural to want, as an artist, to be able to tell the world to kiss to kiss your ass. Chappelle did it and god bless him for it. But, this is too much. Lucas has gone to far and for several years now he has been asking for a fan revolt and the last straw for me has been the clone wars cartoon, where Anakin is lovingly referred to as "Sky-guy" by his padawan. FUCK THAT! HE'S DARTH FUCKING VADER, MAN! Seriously, it's too much and those dudes from South Park got it right. We can't, as much as we love all the guy has done in the past, allow the repeated violation of all those things that we loved and held sacred as children. You wouldn't stand by and allow some asshole to take a shit on the statue of liberty and charge money to see it, would you? Of course not. So, I am done with Lucas and I ask you to take a stand with me. That's it, no more and never again. I will not purchase, view, accept anything that has the Lucas brand ever again.
This is war. And I am on the side of the righteous and will defend the integrity of my boyhood idols and heroes. The Lucas is an enemy of all of those who hold the Star Wars universe sacred.
These are the terms for his unconditional surrender:
1. Effective immediately he is to relinquish all control of Lucas Arts to a board, which will have as governing members, no less than two fans who will have no interest in making money off of the Lucas brand or it's products.
2. The Lucas will have to produce, out of his pocket and with no compensation (all proceeds going to charity) three more Star Wars movies covering the events after the "Return of the Jedi". There will be no:
a) cute little fuzzy creatures
b) smart ass fuzzy creatures
c) big Hollywood stars
d) outrageous CG effects (show the the world you can still make a great sci-fi movie without them!)
3. The Lucas will issue an apology for and commit to never again selling more than one version of any Star Wars action figure and will never, ever sell peripheral characters, I don't give a fuck if you want to relive the cantina scene, you can do what we did and draw them on cardboard.
4. Finally, The Lucas will have to battle a rancor with only a skull in a huge sandpit. If a rancor is not available, a pack of wild hyenas will do the trick.
I proclaim that from this day forth all fanboys are created equal and that once the Lucas has been defeated and peace restored to the galaxy we shall hold a big party throughout the galaxy and the fucking ewoks will not be invited and Jar Jar Binx will be used as a pinata. May the Force be with you. Always.

By the Num3ers

That looks like an office and it's supposed to. But, in reality it is the set of the FBI office in Numb3rs. If you haven't seen it then please do so, it's a kick ass show and it's got math. Cool math though, like in a PI kind of way not Pointdexter who wouldn't let you cheat off him in Algebra kind of way. I am busy and so are you, so check again next week, but stay angry.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


For many years that there were grumblings about his corrupt ways; his father in law, his associates and campaign contributors. But, Blago kept up his routine of being the handsome, young, energetic dude that speaks really well in public (I've seen him on at least three different occasions). That whole Kennedy thing was really going well for him. I recall, in true Chicago politics style, liking the guy so much I had to go out and vote for him twice in the same election. Seriously, when I voted for the guy I felt that a new day was dawning in IL state politics. It seemed to me that that piece of shit Ryan was about to get his just desserts, which he did and Blago was going to fix things, which he didn't. I think like most people, who saw his potential to be great, not just for IL, but for the country (presidential bid, cough, cough) we turned a blind eye to the hi-jinx that he was being accused of and just wrote it off to his critics trying to set him up or tear him down. We liked him, we wanted him to do well because he is a son of the working class; he was the neighbor's kid that went to college. Well, guess what? We were wrong and as it turns out BLAGOJEVICH IS THE MOST CROOKED MOTHER FUCKER IN THE HISTORY OF POLITICS! That's right. What he has "allegedly" done is worse than anything Nixon did and for those of you who are keeping score, Nixon, not Bush, was the worst politician in American history until Blago went and got himself nicked. This beats that Larry Craig or Mark Foley biz all to hell. And surprise, surprise Jesse Jr. is balls deep in it too. You heard it here first: Judy Barr Topinka is going to get indicted before all the ash settles; she has a long, scary, history that is about to come back to haunt her in the worst way, I just know it!
What the hell was he thinking? I don't' care if he is found completely innocent of all charges. In my book he fucked up when he went to Republic Windows and & Doors, pledged his support for those workers then turned around and said "fuck them" on tape. Piece of shit Blago, I hope they give him a cell mate with a 10.5 incher and a bad case of satyriasis; maybe one of those Aryan types who can make no distinction between Slavs and Jews. "I want to make money" too, just like most everybody, but the difference between us and assholes like "Rod-O" is that he is willing to do whatever it takes to make a dime including, shitting on the public trust and taking the support of the people for granted. For this there will never be enough jail time served. For this he deserves to sit in a cell until his balls rot off. The only good news out of this whole thing is that we don't have to listen to what a piece of shit Sarah Palin is for wearing expensive clothes. If we are smart we will take this as an opportunity for soul searching and the catalyst for a good cleansing of the American political conscious. I suppose we should not have expected any better from a jack-off who was a law clerk for Ed Vrdolyak.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Ed Hardy ; The Tommy Hilfiger of Tomorrow

Over priced, LA douchey-boy (and girl) street gear has migrated from the boutique to a department store near you. Ed Hardy is worn by two types: people too chicken shit to get a real tattoo and people who are ashamed of the ink they actually have. If you get the douche chills whenever you see a rhinestone covered skull with sequins daggers through it, you have the king of douchery, Brett Michaels to thank. How do you take something as scary, counter-culture, and down right kick ass as a tat and turn it into something that bored housefraus pay top dollar for? You take a worn out purveyor of their teenage masturbatory daydreams and make a bunch of aged, trailer park, skanks chase him around the boob tube for a couple of seasons. The sad thing is that there is an Ed Hardy in Frisco who does some rad work. Sadly enough, those pathetic rags are a warning that getting noticed for being bad ass at what you do can be a two edged blade. Along with fame and glory comes the risk of having 40 year old jack-offs own and advertise your life's work which, if history is a good indicator, can only lead to to your downfall as an artist and being heckled in public. Maybe some mad genius out there wants to do the world a favor and devise a tattoo removal laser that will turn to ash the trucker caps, boots, jeans, hoodys, dildos, bongs and whatever other tzotchkes they slap those cliche'd "bad boy" designs on. Imagine a miniature death star, but instead of taking out whole planets, it zaps the universe clean of middle-aged, ass wipes.

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