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Sunday, December 28, 2008

Please Make Him Stop!!!

I thought I was going to give the blog a break this week, but then I saw this little beauty.
Ok, let me just say this I understand the need to secure "fuck you" money. The fact is that it's only natural to want, as an artist, to be able to tell the world to kiss to kiss your ass. Chappelle did it and god bless him for it. But, this is too much. Lucas has gone to far and for several years now he has been asking for a fan revolt and the last straw for me has been the clone wars cartoon, where Anakin is lovingly referred to as "Sky-guy" by his padawan. FUCK THAT! HE'S DARTH FUCKING VADER, MAN! Seriously, it's too much and those dudes from South Park got it right. We can't, as much as we love all the guy has done in the past, allow the repeated violation of all those things that we loved and held sacred as children. You wouldn't stand by and allow some asshole to take a shit on the statue of liberty and charge money to see it, would you? Of course not. So, I am done with Lucas and I ask you to take a stand with me. That's it, no more and never again. I will not purchase, view, accept anything that has the Lucas brand ever again.
This is war. And I am on the side of the righteous and will defend the integrity of my boyhood idols and heroes. The Lucas is an enemy of all of those who hold the Star Wars universe sacred.
These are the terms for his unconditional surrender:
1. Effective immediately he is to relinquish all control of Lucas Arts to a board, which will have as governing members, no less than two fans who will have no interest in making money off of the Lucas brand or it's products.
2. The Lucas will have to produce, out of his pocket and with no compensation (all proceeds going to charity) three more Star Wars movies covering the events after the "Return of the Jedi". There will be no:
a) cute little fuzzy creatures
b) smart ass fuzzy creatures
c) big Hollywood stars
d) outrageous CG effects (show the the world you can still make a great sci-fi movie without them!)
3. The Lucas will issue an apology for and commit to never again selling more than one version of any Star Wars action figure and will never, ever sell peripheral characters, I don't give a fuck if you want to relive the cantina scene, you can do what we did and draw them on cardboard.
4. Finally, The Lucas will have to battle a rancor with only a skull in a huge sandpit. If a rancor is not available, a pack of wild hyenas will do the trick.
I proclaim that from this day forth all fanboys are created equal and that once the Lucas has been defeated and peace restored to the galaxy we shall hold a big party throughout the galaxy and the fucking ewoks will not be invited and Jar Jar Binx will be used as a pinata. May the Force be with you. Always.

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