Welcome to V. Lazaro Zamora's Blog

Saturday, September 19, 2009

I SUCK!

I have only submitted work 2 times now to two different places and I have had both of the pieces accepted and published. So, I think my head got a little big and I sort of expected, that being so awesome at the writing thing would be quickly acknowledged by everyone and my mad skills would not be questioned when I submitted a third time. Well, I was wrong and I got my first rejection letter today. it's cool. I'm ok, I'll be fine... FUCK THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS! Who the fuck do they think they are? Crab fucking Orchard can kiss my Cuban ass. Just cuz they are one of the biggest and most respected and admired lit journals in the midwest and the US and quite possibly the world, doesnt' mean they have any right to humiliate me like this. I bet they think they're better than me? Well, who needs you Crab Orchard? More like Crabby Ass Old White Man Orchard. They just didn't like that the story I wrote (a work of art, a masterpiece and tale of biblical proportions) was about a cop in my old neighborhood in Pilsen. They were the ones who asked for stories about Illinois and that's what I gave them. RACISIM! RACISIM! They are racially profiling me. I write this incredible story and instead of begging me to write another one what do I get? A letter thanking me for my submission and asking me to try again? Well, it's not good enough! You will beg at my feet and throw dirt on your head. You will weep and offer me your children as slaves. You will promise me all the riches I can ever imagine, but you will never, ever have my precious work in your cheap, shit rag of a literary journal! Do you hear me? NEVER...


I want my mommy... (sniff, sniff)...


Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Man Overboard

So, I'm on the first vacation I've had in about 4 years and everything is going swell, when on the last night aboard my cruise some dickhead gets into an argument with his wife and swan dives off the balcony. It was the middle of the night and we were on the rim of a huge storm that was slapping us with 4 foot waves. A Disney cruise ship pulls up along side us, the Coast Guard was dispatched and there were an ass load of life jackets thrown into the water. The guy apparently swam around for about an hour and a half and was eventually rescued. The whole thing made the papers and the nightly news. Now, what kind of an idiot jumps off a ship because he got into an argument with his wife and why wasn't his first impulse to drop kick her ass off the fucking boat? Can you imagine being that PW'd that you throw yourself into shark infested waters (in the middle of their lunch time I might add )? What the guy should have done was hit the casino and blow whatever money they had left if he wanted to get back at her.
Oh and I reluctantly kissed a dolphin on vacation, too. They are majestic and wonderful creatures, but they got halitosis like a mo'fucka and don't have any lips. So unless you like eating cat food and making out with rubber tires, I don't recommend it. I did see an orthodox Jew get in line twice to do it; a sight you don't see every day, so I felt like I had to tell someone.

Will Write for Food:

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