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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

How To Just Say NO to Teabagging

It's official, I'm a professional class writer now and have the credentials to back it up! I'm back to being unemployed, but at least I have a nice new diploma hanging on my wall and as a result of my new-found, free time, I've spent some time out and about and I've been approached by a couple of Teabaggers to join their group of like-minded delusional honkys. Don't ask me why these creeps think I'm the kind of dude that would join them, although one of them did point out that the "destroy corporate America" sticker on my laptop echoed his very own sentiments towards America Inc. which, just goes to show how completely uninformed those knuckleheads truly are about their own "movement."
The first time I was approached to join up I was firm, but fair. I simply said, "absolutely not" and "not a chance" and "Not interested." The dude was persistent, that's why I had to say NO 3 different ways and he didn't stop pushing until I flipped him off and mouthed, "FUCK OFF" at him. Don't feel bad for him, he's the asshole who forgot to switch on his hearing aid.
Now the second time I was approached it came on the tail end of a long discourse about why Tony "Soprano" Hayward should not be in front of Congress explaining himself to the American people for his role in the greatest Eco-disaster of all time. The idiot turned to me and asked, "So, do you think that you ..." and he didn't get much farther than that, because I nearly passed out from the blood rushing to my head and ended up stumbling out of the Starbux and sitting in my car in the parking lot for 15 minutes hitting the dashboard and rubbing my chest. Fortunately, the paramedics didn't need to be called and the policeman that drove by only glanced my way and must have decided that he didn't want to deal with the paperwork.
So, as I explained, I've got plenty of free time and I've decided that there is a huge enclave of rich, white, republicans in the SouthBay that are out to bring more imbeciles into their "Don't Tread On Me," "Obama is a socialist," "Sarah Palin would totally fuck me," "Hand me my musket and triangle hat," delusional, fun-house world.

I must be prepared. We must be prepared.

So, I've put together a little shpeal to use on those agents of evil and I've decided that for the good of humankind, I'm going to open source it and you don't even have to give me credit for the eloquent way you are going to publicly insult those fuckers. Oh, that reminds me, don't tell the prosecutors or the judge where you got it from either, as this is very likely to land you in the pokey, if you say it with enough passion. And it goes a little something like this:

Sir (or Mam)
I believe that reasonable human beings only fear the end of times when people like you are given power and not solely because a black man is democratically elected to lead our nation. I think that the problems our world and our country face must be addressed through calmed reason, logical thought, devoid of political, social and economic agendas. I think that you and your ilk are the greatest threat to civilization that has existed since the rise of European Fascism and that may be giving you too much credit, but nobody thought those little beer-hall rants were going to lead to anything either. I believe that America is indeed the greatest country in the world and what has made it so, is that we give the poor, the tired and the hungry a chance to become the empowered, the educated and the productive.
I know that your ultimate goal is a revolution in this country, at least that's what your slogan, "a revolution is brewin'" implies. I seriously doubt that any of you know the hardship and pain that follows a revolution; lives turned upside down and families split apart all in the name of progress. Your "revolution" is not about progress, it's far too centered on a nostalgic return to simpler times. Times when Blacks hopelessly forced to the back of the bus, Mexican's toiled, far out of sight, in the fields, women gave themselves abortions in the family kitchen, gays were beaten with impunity into their closets and "white only" signs hung in every boardroom and corner of congress. That is the revolution you want and I think it's only fair to warn you and the others, that it is a revolution you will lose.
I am the product of the more than 50 year fight against your oppression and hatred of people who are different from you. I will not go quietly and I will fight to the death to keep you from pushing the indignities on to my son that you forced on to me.
So go now, find something more constructive to do with your golden years; go back to your golf game, volunteer in a cancer ward or try to get right with your god before your light fades away and you are left in the cosmic darkness you crave so badly for all of us. All that said, I respectfully decline to join your organization, not with a simple no; but with a very loud and clear HELL NO!

See. Nothing to it.

Will Write for Food:

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