The Rat Fuck Manifesto (Click for link to LIVE performance)
From this point all bets are off: These are the terms of our unconditional surrender!
Mandatory medical marijuana to be delivered by buttoned-down assholes in Armani suits in 30 minutes or less.
Universal pizza coverage, but not from Dominos or Pizza Hut or Papa John’s; Chicago style, you know, the good stuff.
Rivers of beer that flow like wine from valleys of rum
Trees that grow Cheetos and Doritos and Tostitos and Banditos, Fritos and Chispitos.
Free slurpees for everyone!
From now on awkward, weird and smelly is the new tall, dark and handsome.
No mall will have less than 4 Gamestops, 3 comic book stores, 2 Chik-Fil-As and at least one dispensary.
No more health food stores, gyms, vitamin shoppes or healing centers; they’re for wimps anyways.
SUV drivers must wear shirts that read, “Yes, I have a small dick.”
Che Guevarra shirts can only be worn by those who can demonstrate an understanding of the difference between branding and populism.
Men can only wear sandals on the beach! Without jeans! and for fuck-sake take off that Ed Hardy shirt you look like a rainbow with a hangover puked all over you!
Women may wear sandals wherever they like, provided they have pedicures (sorry ladies, the foot-fetish committee demands we put this one in).
Reality TV is hereby abolished and replaced with reality!
Social networking is to be replaced with networking socially.
Justin Beiber, Sarah Palin, Tom Cruise, Martha Stewart, Donald Trump YOU are all hereby banished and take Snookie, whoever the fuck that is, with you!
All butch-like, brutish sports are hereby abolished.
Halo will be our nation’s new past-time.
Goodbye 24 hour news cycle
Hello 24 hour porn cycle.
Money used for wars now goes towards opening the first Krispy Kreme on the moon.
No more end of the world prophecies, from now on we stick to our regularly scheduled Mayan apocalypse.
The immediate creation of a national “The Shoe is on the Other Foot Program”
Whoever wants to get married can, except for fundamentalist Christians
Supporting Our Troops will take a back seat to Sustaining Our Scholars.
Tree-hugging, long haired, vegan, hippie, peaceniks are required to “Cowboy UP!”
Deep frying, backwoods, NASCAR and backyard barbeque, mouth breathers are required “mellow out man.”
Minutemen are to be deported immediately
Global warming deniers are to be relocated to the nearest igloo.
Misogynists – you’re going to have to share your true feelings with us.
Feminists – Oh my God! We’re going shopping!
Communists made to consume
Corporatists made to commune
Creationists made to Evolve
Evolutionists made to create
Protestors will police policemen
Policemen will protest protestors
The dog will live with the cat
The cat with the canary
The canary with the worm!
The national bird is now a ghetto pigeon.
The purple mountains majesty is now a dark uninviting alley.
The rocket’s red glare will be replaced by the reflective glow of black light from a bong.
Yes, our flag will still be there, but it will have orange stars, pink hearts, yellow moons, green clovers, blue diamonds and rainbow stripes.
Apple pie will only be as American as Arroz con Pollo.
And they can have their Plymouth Rock, we got Aztlan, ese!
Down with corporate America; except for CostCo (It’s cheaper to buy in bulk).
Up with Democracy; except for voting (most people just aren’t well informed)
Long live the worker; except for those fuckers at the DMV (Just drawing a paycheck aren’t ya?)
All Power to the People; except the ones that disagree with us (by the way, please see a representative about your membership dues, immediately).
Down with tyranny and oppression; except when there’s something in it for us (especially when we can get away with it)
Love thy neighbor; except that asshole down the street who won’t clean his front yard (his wife’s kinda’ hot though)
Here we stand!
Fists in the air!
Fire in our bellies!
Blood in our eyes!
So say we all:
The United (mostly) Rat Fucks of the World!
Scroll to bottom of page to see TRFM performed live at The LAst Bookstore!